my favourite love language is trying

my favourite love language is trying

gor

Nov 02, 2026

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i love people who make an effort to know me. people who remember a passing sentence from a conversation we had weeks ago. who ask me about the book i was reading, even if they have never been interested in reading themselves. who learn the rules of a sport because they know how much i love playing it. who listen to me explain something they probably don’t understand, and still ask another question because they can see how happy it makes me to talk about it.

i love when someone enters a world they have never known simply because they found someone they wanted to know better. when they agree to visit a place they would never have picked themselves, eat at a restaurant they cannot pronounce, sit through a film they would never watch alone. i love the thought of someone looking at something you love and deciding that perhaps they could learn to love a little part of it too.

and i hope we understand how much these things mean. because most of us aren’t asking to be loved in extraordinary ways. we just want to know that someone was thinking of us when we weren’t in the room. that something reminded them of us. that they remembered we don’t like a certain food, that we always order the same thing, that we have been wanting to see the sea, that we get excited about the smallest things. we want to feel that our existence has left a few details behind in someone else’s mind.

i have always found it difficult to explain how much effort means to me. perhaps because i know how much thought goes into loving someone. how you can be walking through a shop and see something they would like. how you can hear a song and immediately want to send it to them. how you remember a story they told you because you were paying attention, even when they thought you weren’t. how you make plans around their happiness. how you learn their silences, their worries, the things they pretend don’t bother them.

and sometimes, you want someone to do these things for you. you want to be remembered without having to remind them. you want to be considered without having to explain why consideration matters. you want someone to notice that you have been looking forward to something, and be just as excited to make it happen. there is a sadness in being someone who remembers everything about the people they love and wondering whether anybody remembers these little things about you.

i hope you never become embarrassed about wanting that.

one of the most beautiful things someone can do for you is recognise that they have hurt you and genuinely try to become someone who doesn’t keep doing it. i mean really try. to look at the parts of themselves they have spent years avoiding. to question their habits, their defensiveness, the ways they have learned to respond to love. to understand that an apology is only the beginning, and that the person they hurt has to live with what happened long after the conversation is over.

imagine being loved by someone who is willing to learn how to love you better. someone who doesn’t treat your pain as an inconvenience, who doesn’t make you feel guilty for explaining it again. someone who remembers the conversation the next time a similar moment arrives. someone who is still trying, even when nobody is applauding them for it.

i find that deeply moving. because changing a part of yourself is difficult, especially when you have spent years believing that part of you is simply how you are. and to have someone say, through their actions, that your heart is worth that effort, must be one of the most wonderful things a person can experience.

perhaps that is what i mean when i say trying. i mean making someone feel that their life is worth paying attention to. that their interests aren’t silly, their feelings aren’t excessive, their needs aren’t a burden. that loving them has made you interested in the details of being alive with them. we have so little control over how other people love us. but we can choose to keep trying. we can choose to remember, to listen, to show up, to repair what we have damaged. we can make someone feel less alone in the business of being a person.

my favourite love language is trying. it is in the plans someone makes, the things they remember, the conversations they return to, and the parts of themselves they are willing to reconsider. it is in the little evidence that someone has been paying attention.

i hope we all get to experience that kind of love. and i hope, when it finds us, we know how to give it back.

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