Tuesday: Three Morning Takes

The Boy Who Cried WWIII

News anchor turned podcast queen and Qatari asset Tucker Carlson went viral this week after warning (for the fifth time this year) that WWIII is imminent. According to Carlson, Israeli PM Netanyahu is pressuring Trump to nuke an Iranian nuclear facility near Natanz (his source: informed “observers”). While I thought Tucker was understood to be a certified schizo whose rants should be taken with a BARREL of salt, his warning has actually amassed 85,000 reposts on X, with Hunter Biden (who lost sleep over it) (pretty sure that’s the crack, buddy) freaking out — mainstream media’s also amplifying his claim to boomers. I, however, am skeptical. Tucker, while seriously cuckoo, is an expert fearmonger — and what impeccable timing, with midterms today! (Politically, though, a nuclear strike would be

really stupid

given how the Iran war has alienated MAGA.) So have no fear! We predict no Oppenheimer-style booms in your future… just a shitty House Rep.

Getting Even Stevens

Sunday, the most captivating midterm race of 2026 took another interesting turn: Democratic Rep. Haley Stevens crossed the aisle to endorse Republican Mike Rogers for Senate in Michigan. After Stevens asked Rogers’ opponent Abdul El-Sayed to condemn an unseemly ad that Cenk Uygur (now known as “Hasan Piker’s uncle”) commissioned, Abdul countered with a statement needling Stevens and telling her to stop “relitigating a primary.” The Democrats and their media lackeys were somehow shocked that after Abdul told Stevens to kick rocks, she actually did. Sadly, Abdul is still the favorite, and — provided he wins — Stevens’ defection may simply be a signal that any fantasies of a centrist Democratic Party are dead. It turns out that socialists can tell the (few) kind of annoying but ultimately patriotic Democrats to f*ck off, free from electoral consequences. Regardless, I was happy to see an “aw shucks, dang nabbit!”-style Midwestern gal choose country over party. #Imwithher.

Dan Sullivan 2: Electric Boogaloo

Last week, the New York Times reported on a disturbing (albeit hilarious) scheme to dupe voters in Alaska: with the Republican Senate candidate being a man named Dan Sullivan, aides for Democrat Mary Peltola recruited a random retired teacher to also run for the seat. His name? Dan Sullivan… (insert Spider-Man pointing meme). But rather than let this reporting — a thorough, important piece about shady election tactics — speak for itself, the Times published an entire follow-up article days later justifying the story after receiving “questions” from readers. As one commenter inquired: “Trump has been accused, once again, or [sic] raping a woman… Where are the Times articles about that?” Here, we’d like to send our thanks to Pirate Wires readers. It’s comforting to know that if we report on a mysterious new 2028 presidential candidate named “DJ Vance,” you guys won’t respond by bringing up rape accusations leveled by a Wayfair sofa in 2002.