building a cathedral of what could have been

building a cathedral of what could have been

will you see the human in my being?

caitlyn

Oct 26, 2026

∙

Paid

87

9

Share

love that lingers the longest is the one that never had a chance to begin. no first dates, fights, or mornings where you realize you’ve stopped trying. it never had to survive the slow decay of closeness.

there was no unraveling, because there was nothing to unravel. instead, it lives inside you like something preserved. sealed off, untouched, impossible to kill. a perfect idea, unsullied by reality.

i find comfort in loving something that never had the opportunity to disappoint you.

i’ve been alone almost my entire life. i keep my distance and tell myself i’m independent and introverted and that i love my solitude, which is true, i really do. but i think i’ve also used it as a way to avoid being vulnerable.

i’ve realized how masochistic it has become and how much i’ve taught myself to fear intimacy before it ever had a chance to exist. it’s easier to build a life around not needing anyone than to risk the humiliation of needing and being met with silence.

and when the possibility of connection

does

appear, i never quite know how to behave. i go quiet and retreat into myself. i don’t think people know what to do with me. i don’t know what to do with me. i become unknowable in the moments where i most want to be seen.

that’s the loneliest part. not the absence of love, but the feeling that even if it showed up, i wouldn’t know how to let it in.

but we’re human. and humans aren’t meant to be alone. even as an introvert, as someone who genuinely enjoys her own space, i still want to share it. i want my alone time, yes, but i want it with my best friend. someone who understands the rhythm of my silence and doesn’t need to fill the quiet, just exist in it with me.

i want the ordinary things that come with loving someone. the familiarity. the comfort of being understood without having to explain myself. to know another person so intimately that their presence becomes as natural as my own solitude.

and yet, the paradox is that i want closeness, but i’ve built a life designed to keep it at bay. i want to be known, but only from a distance. it’s safer to imagine connection than to risk the kind that might disappoint me.

perhaps that’s why unrequited love feels so potent to me. i’m reassured at the thought of loving someone you cannot have. you can experience the intensity of wanting another person without ever having to confront what it means to be loved by them.

i’ve spent years protecting myself from the possibility of heartbreak, only to realize how much of my life i’ve spent breaking my own heart in the process.

the rest of this essay is for paid subscribers.

i’m sharing book recs and diving deeper into this topic of

almost

loves.

thank you for being here, for supporting my work.

nyrb books

philosophy book

s

classic literature

gothic literature

(follow

ig

,

tiktok

,

youtube

,

pinterest

and

spotify

for more)

milk fed is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

jouissance is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This post is for paid subscribers

Subscribe

Already a paid subscriber?

Sign in