Getting Back Together With an Ex, Supporting a Friend, Advice They Never Take, and the Ideal First Date

I love answering questions from the community, so here we go:

Question One:

How do I support someone without making it about myself?

Ah, the awareness it takes to even ask this question, wonderful! It truly boils down to making space for the person to process, share, and feel their feelings without taking the opportunity to do the same. It’s so tempting to tell them about the time the same thing happened to us or go on a tangent about our own conflict at work, but what we perceive as bonding or highlighting a shared experience can take away from the other person. Martin Buber talks about the difference between an I-Thou and an I-It relationship: one meets a person as a full being, the other reduces them to an occasion for our own experience. I’m a big fan of asking someone how we can help, rather than assuming we know. Be curious. Listen. Offer advice (if they ask for it) but make sure to base it on their context, not ours.

Question Two:

Can getting back together with an ex ever work?

Yes. But, it only works if both individuals acknowledge what went wrong, the role they played, and are coming back with a plan AND new skillsets that make them more likely to succeed. Kierkegaard wrote about repetition: the idea that returning to something isn’t about reliving it, but receiving it transformed. That’s the real test: are you both different enough for this to be a repetition, not a rerun? It most often works if the individuals took the time to grow and heal. It’s hard not to fall back into old patterns, but it is possible.

Question Three:

What do you do when a friend constantly talks to you about their relationship issues, explicitly asks for advice but never takes it?

If it bothers you, tell them what you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel. Set a boundary. Honesty can go a long way: “I want to be there for you, but I’m starting to feel frustrated that you ask for my advice and never take it. I respect your decision and autonomy to do what’s best for you, but I need a little break from talking about your partner.” I’ve found that people stay in the loop of asking without acting because it’s easier than facing the freedom, and responsibility, of an actual choice. Setting the boundary isn’t abandoning them, it’s trusting them to do what they want with their own freedom.

Bonus Question:

How would you describe the optimal first date (as a therapist)?

Any setting or activity that allows you space to get to know each other, learn together, or have a new experience. Try something neither one of you has done before. Have space for a genuine chat. Show them something that moves you or inspires you.

Send me your questions for next round!