About pain

About pain

AN ESSAY IN ALL CAPS

Valerie

Sep 07, 2026

6

28

Share

“I WAS MUCH HAPPIER WHEN HE LEFT. BECAUSE I HAD A PROJECT.”

I’M AT THE LOUISIANA MUSEUM IN DENMARK, HUNGRY FOR KNOWLEDGE THAT FEELS NEW AND FINAL. THERE’S A DARK ROOM AND THEY’RE SHOWING

BECOMING SOPHIE CALLE

. SOPHIE SITS IN FRONT OF THE INTERVIEWER, HANDS ON KNEES. CONFESSIONAL, SHE IS REFERRING TO HER EX BOYFRIEND WHO ENDED THINGS ABRUPTLY VIA EMAIL, THE LAST LINE OF WHICH BECAME THE NAME FOR

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

SHE SENT THE LETTER TO 107 WOMEN OF DIFFERENT VOCATIONS, BALLERINAS TO LAWYERS, LEAVING THEM TO INTERPRET IT AS THEY BEST SEE FIT. THE PROJECT MADE IT TO VENICE BIENNALE, AND LATER TO CONTINENTS AND CITIES TO INTERCEPT THE EYES OF ALL THE WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN LEFT BEFORE.

“IF HE HADN’T LEFT ME, I WOULD’VE BEEN MISERABLE FOR ANOTHER YEAR. HE DIDN’T LOVE ME. BUT HE WENT, AND HIS ABSENCE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIFT HE COULD GIVE ME,” CALLE REVEALS. THE SMILE ON HER FACE FADES INTO A SMIRK. THE CAMERA PANS OUT.

ANNE CARSON’S BROTHER RAN AWAY FROM HOME IN 1978. THEY NEVER KEPT IN TOUCH, HIS LIFE A MYSTERY TO HER. HE WAS DISMISSIVE. IN 2000, HE SUDDENLY PHONED HER FROM COPENHAGEN WHERE HE HAD BEEN LIVING WITH HIS WIFE. HE DIED TWO WEEKS LATER.

CARSON BEGINS TO WRITE

NOX

, AN EPITAPH IN WHICH SHE ATTEMPTS TO ASSEMBLE HER BROTHER’S PERSONHOOD, TO MAKE SENSE OF THE UNKNOWN LIFE LOST. THROUGH DIARY ENTRIES, LETTERS AND PHOTOGRAPHS, CARSON NARRATIVIZES PAIN IN ABSENCE, FORMING A DIALOGUE WITH THE ROMAN POET CATULLUS, ALIVE WHO HAD ALSO LOST HIS BROTHER – ABOUT 2,000 YEARS BEFORE ANNE DID. GRIEF RECRUITS HEALING IN GRAMMAR AND MAKES SENSE OF THE EMPTY SPACE BETWEEN THE RIBS.

WHERE DOES THE DESIRE TO CONGREGATE ABSENCE COME FROM? WE MUST BE WIRED TO CONVERT IT INTO THE PRESENCE OF SOMETHING ELSE. IT TRAVELS THROUGH HISTORY. THE DISSIPATION OF SOMETHING IS ALWAYS THE APPEARANCE OF SOMETHING ELSE.

FKA TWIGS RELEASES

MAGDALENE

, HER SECOND STUDIO ALBUM, AND CALLS IT HER MOST UNGRACEFUL, FRACTURED WORK. NOT QUITE “THE ALBUM ABOUT ROBERT PATTINSON” –THOUGH CULTURE LOVES MANUFACTURED PATERNITY TESTS– BUT THE ALBUM ABOUT EVERY LOVER SHE’S HAD AND EVERY LOVER SHE’S GOING TO HAVE. “JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT’S REALLY FRAGILE AND ABOUT TO FALL APART, THERE’S AN ABSOLUTE DEFIANCE AND STRENGTH.” IN THE ABSENCE OF A GOOD ENDING, SHE IS REBORN, AND THOUGH ANEW FROM THE MISERY, SHE IS NOT HESITANT NOR NEEDING PITY.

EVERYTHING GOOD I’VE MADE GREW ROOTS FROM GREAT PAIN. I CAN’T PRETEND THIS ISN’T TRUE, THAT THE TOTALITY OF

MAKING

COMES FROM FLUCTUATIONS ON THE PAIN-PLEASURE AXIS, BUT I HAVE TRACED IT WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW HAPPINESS IS FOR GOOD LIFE, AND PAIN IS FOR GOOD WORK. I AM A SLOT MACHINE: INSERT TRAGEDY, I’LL SPIT OUT LYRICAL PRECISION.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE THAT YOU AND I HAVE TASTED THE HARDWOOD FLOOR. MY PAIN HAS MET YOUR PAIN. THEY WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER. THAT WEEK OR ANOTHER, NEGOTIATING WITH THE CLAUSES, WE STRETCHED AHEAD INTO OUR WILDEST ALLEGORIES, BETWEEN THE NECESSARY AND THE GIVEN, AND WE CAME OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE, UGLY AND TRUE AND PROPHETIC. I CAN ALWAYS SEE IT IN PEOPLE’S EYES WHEN THEY HAVE OVERCOME GREAT PAIN. IT IS A FLICKER OF CHARACTER. IT IS THE ONE JUDGMENT OF MINE I TRUST.

ARTISTIC PAIN IS AN OXYMORON. PAIN IS FAR FROM BEING ART MATERIAL TO DEPLOY, AND THOUGH CULTURALLY

AESTHETICIZED

IN FAMILIAR GLAMOROUS FRAGMENTS AND EGALITARIAN ACCEPTANCE, IT DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE PROCESS OR YOUR FINAL PRODUCT, AND SURE DOES NOT MAKE YOU A PRETTY CRIER.

THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULDN’T EXTRACT BEAUTY. YOU CAN DO THAT ANYWAY. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH.

AND HUMANS, WE ALWAYS STRIVE FOR BEAUTY. IN THE FACE OF AN ADVERSE EVENT, WE ARE ILL-PREPARED: THE SKIRT’S TOO TIGHT, HAIR STRANDS FLYING EVERYWHERE, WE’RE RAMBLING, NOTHING IS WITHIN REACH. WE’RE TOO SOFT FOR IT. SENTIMENTALITY STARTS SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY AND EXTENDS FIVE TO TEN BUSINESS DAYS ON AVERAGE. BUT AFTER THE WORST IS OVER, WE GET TO WORK. THE HARDENING AROUND THE EDGES BEGINS.

THESE ARE GROWN-UP AFFAIRS, DO NOT FORGET THAT. WHAT SEPARATES SURVIVAL FROM BEAUTY IS NOT THE PAIN GIVEN OR ITS QUALITY BUT HOW IT IS REABSORBED. NO MATTER HOW TIRED, GRUMPY, RISING FROM BARREN SOIL, GRIEVANCES TO FOLLOW, WE GET TO WORK BECAUSE IT’S WHAT WE KNOW TO DO AND THE LANGUAGE WE SPEAK.

BEFORE I HEAL, I DROP IN REVERIE. I THINK ABOUT A MOMENT SUSPENDED IN TIME. I REMEMBER TOMATOES SLICED WITH A DULL KNIFE, RIPE AND READY, FROM UZBEKISTAN. FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMON JUICE AND A DRIZZLE OF OLIVE OIL. THAT WAS OUR FAVORITE AFTERNOON. CHECKERED TABLECLOTH, THE PLASTIC KIND, WITH FADING EDGES FROM DIRECT SUNLIGHT. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE GONE. THE STORY IS DONE, FOLDED AWAY. I CAN’T BELIEVE I MADE SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE GENTLY GONE OR BRUTALLY ASTRAY. THERE IS INSOMNIA, ACUTE AND CHRONIC PAIN, LEGS LIKE JELLYFISH. THERE ARE PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN READING ABOUT BUSINESS AND POLITICS AND THE ART OF MIDDLE MANAGEMENT, YOUR OTHERNESS A THUMBTACK IN YOUR WEEKDAY. THERE IS ALWAYS THE INTERNET WITH THE RACKET BUT YOU HOPEFULLY FIND ALIVE THINGS ON HERE SOMETIMES. I LOVE KNOWING THERE’S SOMETHING IN ME THAT CANNOT BE DESTROYED. I AM TRANQUILIZED BY MY FORTITUDE, BY ITS LONGEVITY. AND I AM NOT AFRAID OF DEATH OR ABSENCE OR MORE PAIN.

BECAUSE THERE IS BOTH OBSERVATION OF PAIN’S GENERATIVE NATURE AND THE FORMATION OF STEADY DISCIPLINE. THE ABSOLUTION OF HARDENED POTENTIAL IS WHEN IT THAWS ENOUGH FOR YOU TO TURN IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE. IT IS A FORCE. WHAT ELSE? GRAVITY. PLAY. OPULENCE. HOME. GUARANTEE.

COULD WE BE KNOWN FOR SOMETHING BIGGER THAN OURSELVES? THE PROOF IS THERE. WOMEN HAVE DONE IT FOR SO LONG.

PAIN PERFORATES PERSUASION UNTIL THE SHAPE UNDERNEATH IS FAITH. THERE, YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN. NEVER THE SAME, YOUR BODY IS UNEASY, THAT WAS THE TRADE-OFF ALL ALONG. WHO GOVERNS THIS PROCESS IS UNKNOWN. BUT PAIN IS SOURCE.

6

28

Share

Previous

Next