The Stillness of Snow

What a year this month has been. I’ve been away from home for about three of the last four weeks, having returned just this week to my measly dungeon closet of a bedroom. Small and dark as it is, the relief and peace I found last Sunday in my half-broken lofted bed is hard to put into words.

The snow in Palisades Tahoe took a different color this month. A different sort of surreal stillness could be felt in the mountains, the air became thick in your lungs. The cold, crisp air numbed your insides.

For many of us, that weekend in Tahoe is still a blur. While the details of what actually happened are foggy and (at least for me) partially lost in the mental chaos of it all, the emotions and connections forged in the mountain will be part of us forever, etched into our hearts like markings on a headstone.

In the middle of it all I took a shower. Showers have always been my escape from the world, my little portal to another wavelength. I was not able to handle seeing everyone’s faces in the house, so I went to the one place I knew I’d be able to be alone and find peace. Sitting on the floor with the scalding water hitting my back, I found myself unable to quiet my mind. I sat there for what could be anywhere between 10 minutes and an hour (shock negates all sense of time), until I decided I was ready to back to the real world. I made it 10 steps outside the bathroom until I saw Mimi and broke.

It has been years since I’ve completely broken. I had my first panic attack a few months after my father passed in 2016. A couple more followed that first one, and I slowly learned to both manage them and seem them coming. Slowly, the grief passed and I felt like myself again. Fast forward a few years, and another one crept up on me while I was elbow-deep in a car engine in the machine shop at Northwestern. Again, it was brought on by grief, this time empathetic with someone who had also lost their father and confided in me before anyone else knew of their father’s passing. Many old emotions and feelings resurfaced in that machine shop bathroom, and again in the shower in Tahoe.

I want to take a moment to celebrate my friends here in San Francisco. I’ve felt a lot of love in my life. I’ve been supported in countless ways in my life, by so many people. For those of you in Tahoe with me, thank you for taking care of me. I hope I was able to offer some support as well, I did my best. It’s not often a group of friends who have known each other for less than a year create what we have. If we learned anything from Kye, it’s the importance of family and friends. Without them, we are nothing. I love all of you, and I hope we honor him by creating a lifetime of love and support between ourselves, and to the rest of the world.

I apologies for being somewhat unclear and cryptic. Likely this newsletter will be confusing and maybe even concerning for those I haven’t spoken to in a while. I couldn’t find more straightforward words that I’d be comfortable sharing, but I also needed to let it out somehow. I’m well, just tired and surrounded by amazing people. I have all I need, except some more time to heal and help heal.

With mother’s day just behind us, I hope all of you took a moment to call your mother (if that’s something available to you). Most people don’t always realize that many times to someone else you are everything.

And finally, to the men in my life, I encourage you to experiment with release. We’ve been taught that men don’t cry, that men have their shit together. Try it out. I don’t do it often - some tell me not as often as I should - but every time I break I feel better afterwards. Months of pressure can release quicker than you think.

Now, some pictures. Because I’m not annoyingly alternative or hipster enough yet, I decided to pick up a film camera. I’ll be mostly shooting film until a) I get bored, b) I give up trying to properly exposed pictures, or c) I run out of organs to sell in the black market in exchange for 35mm film. Here are some of my favourite shots I’ve taken this month, mostly on film. I’ve specifically chosen to share photos today which have brought me peace and a smile, something I know many of those reading this might need right now.

Thank you all for reading. Sending much love your way. If you’re ever in a moment of grief and loss and need help, please reach out.